Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
