if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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