Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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