So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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