I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
