I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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