I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
