You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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