Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
