Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
