the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
