Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
