Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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