How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
