everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
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