i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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