I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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