He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
