Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
