don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana