"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
