I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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