my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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