I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
