Are we in a gay sports bar?
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
