apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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