I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
