The maid of honor just puked.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I need to calm my uterus...
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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