Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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