sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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