I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
