Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
You made out with two different species that night
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
