ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
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Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
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I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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