im drinking this country out of the recession.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
