Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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