i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
