we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
