3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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