I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
