woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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