bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Let's get the cat blown out
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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