DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
