thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
