I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
