I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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