I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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