Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
