he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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