Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
