the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
