I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
