i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
