I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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