Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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