Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
